June 23, 2012: “Imperfections”

The valley I’ve been afraid of has surfaced. It’s like the scariest roller coaster ride ever. The dips are in a darkened tunnel and there is no light. I have no way of knowing if it’s a dip or a dive or how far we are falling. My depth of feelings for Ben scares me. I have lost myself in this man and it’s no ones fault but my own. How could I pour so much of myself into this one person? He’s all I want, to a frightening level, but what if I’m not what he wants? Well, at least that side of Ben that fears commitment, doesn’t trust anyone, builds up his walls like Sparta and doesn’t share. This is the same side of him that doesn’t DM me, doesn’t reply to email. But? The man that tells me he loves me. The man that sings to me in voicemails. That sultry voiced angel with his deep chuckle, heart of gold, talent that rivals so many? This deeply playful man I have completely fallen in love with? That guy is worth it. That guy is worth riding out the dip and valleys of this imperfect angel’s ride. I love Ben. Much more than is safe or healthy for me. Is all love this way? All my doubts and fears mount to one question. What if it ends? I am afraid of my reaction if the answer is “It does.” I’m not sure I can survive the kind of drop this ride may end in.