June, 2012

Dear Ben; I just wanted to write this. I just hung up from with you on Google and tonight is the night. THE night. I’m really afraid you don’t understand why I’ve been so shy about this. It’s not you at all! I’ve just not had the best history with men. You know this about me. I need to do this, though. You don’t pressure me, you don’t even ask much of me. I ask much more of you and I’m not shy about asking for more after, either. The truth is? I want this for me. Ben I know you know this but I just want you. I don’t mean for a week in October. I just need this to be something. If October goes well, I’ll plan to come ther in February. And if that goes well, I want to move to Australia. I have nothing here. I care about you so much, more than anything else in my life and I know you think this is stupid, to pack up all my shit and leave but I can’t think of anything I’d want more. I’ll do it on your schedule. If it’s possible, if you want me the way I want you? This is what I want. You. Just you. Something real that isn’t separated by a keyboard and Twitter and continents and oceans. I want you, I want real. If you want the same thing, that is. I’ll help you. I’ll do whatever you need, we can do this together. I want to be in a relationship with you. Because you are so incredibly good to me. I don’t care that we met online, the circumstances. I will come there for you because that’s what you do for someone you love. I’ll sell my crap, I’ll learn to drive on the left side of the road and eat Vegemite and watch for wallabies in the road. I will pick up and move with no second thoughts. I don’t have my hopes up. On the contrary, I actually expect nothing. I expect this to fall to pieces. But you need to know what I want, clear and plain, all cards on the table. I have wanted this from the very beginning. You’ve done more for me, made me happier than anyone else in this world, and you’ve done it literally a world away. You make me smile, you make me excited for the day, you make me want life in a vital and desperate way. You make me want things I have never wanted before. What’s done is done. Stop feeling guilty for my divorce and I’ll stop feeling guilty for leaving you like I did the first time. I want to just start over, start fresh. You be mine and I’ll be yours. Can you do that for me?