Dear Jared, Dear Jensen, Dear Misha;
This may be the first letter I’ve started “Dear Jared” that I wasn’t in a place I was afraid would end with my death. Maybe the second, I’ll have to check. But I wanted to share a little of my story, and thank you for the chances you’ve given me the last few years. I don’t want to say that Supernatural has “saved my life” or that without Supernatural I wouldn’t be here. Because I feel like if you live for something with an expiration date, eventually that motivation will wane and wither, and you’re putting pressure on people that already feel so much, it’s not fair to someone to pin your survival on them. I’m not saying that, however much truth those statements may hold.
I was dealing with a lot during one period of my life. It was late 2012, I had separated from and divorced my husband, moved out on my own (which I had never really and truly lived on my own until then) and I had a lot of trouble keeping up with bills, financials, I had just lost my step-dad a few months before and I was missing him desperately. I was on the verge of bankruptcy, I was worried about my job, and to be honest, I was essentially alone. Over the summer of that year, I was struggling to find something that could take my mind off everything else. I was drinking a lot, I was letting my weight literally balloon out of control and I was feeling the first effects of what I now know to be depression and anxiety. I started a show Netflix suggested to me that was already seven seasons in. That show was Supernatural. I laughed, I identified with two brothers that were desperately trying to find their dad who they idolized (though one of the boys really butted heads, he still wanted to find him). I knew the struggle of losing a parent, I knew how it felt to be alone, and instantly I felt like I had two friends, brothers even, where before I had felt completely isolated and alone. I made it through losing those boys countless times, I celebrated epic lines like “Saving people, hunting things, the family business” and “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition” (still the BEST opening line for any character EVER) and I started listening to classic rock, because it’s the best road music ever. I had a family where before I had no one. I have watched every season eight and forward as it aired, and for seven years my best friends have been the Winchesters (and Castiel, who, DAMMIT is a Winchester).
Somewhere in these last seven years, I’ve learned things about the men behind The Boys. I’ve learned Jared and I struggle with the same disease, although in different ways as no one person’s anxiety is the same as the next. I’ve learned Jensen and I have very similar taste in beer. I’ve learned things about politics and the world from Misha, and I’m a better and more well rounded person for it. I’ve learned kindness, and inclusion, and open mindedness, and acceptance, and compassion, and love for people who are different from me from you three. I’ve been able to fight the thoughts of suicide with Jared’s Always Keep Fighting campaigns and I’ve been made to feel a little more whole again from the Supernatural Family including the cast and the fans. There isn’t a city in the world you can’t find a Supernatural fan. There isn’t a cast member that speaks hatred. There isn’t a person you can meet from the cast or crew that doesn’t make you feel vital and important.
I hope someday I can meet you guys and say thank you face to face. I hope someday to collect some hugs and tell Jared that he’s saved me more times that I can count. For every Dear Jared letter there is, there are 10 more days that I didn’t want to get out of bed. The Winchesters may not be flesh and blood real, but the three of you help people fight their own personal demons every day, and you really do Save People.
I’m heartbroken to know the end has a date, solid and looming, but I’m happy to know your children can spend some solid time with their dads. I’m elated to know your wives can see their husbands and that the long work days are going to be over. I know that no matter what happens in the future, we will have 15 years of The Boys to go back through as many times as we want. But the Winchesters - and Castiel- will always have a place in my heart and that even though the show will end, the Family will not.
I cannot tell you enough how thankful I am for the last fourteen years, and the last seven that I’ve been able to look forward to new road trips with the boys. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness, compassion, and support even from a distance. You have helped me fight my depression and anxiety like a flesh and blood person in my life and I honestly don’t know where I would be without you.
Jared; I wouldn’t be able to fight my anxiety without you and your story. I fight because you ask us to, and I know you’re fighting alongside me. I would have lost this battle over and over if it weren’t for AKF, and you are a HERO.
Thank you, guys. Thank you for fifteen years. Thank you for the Winchesters. Thank you for the Supernatural Family.
-P.
