Dear Jared; 1/29/20

Dear Jared;

I'm getting really tired. Not the sleepy sort of tired but the energy that fuels your soul. It's like I run on batteries, and they don't charge the same, or at all anymore. I try and pour myself into things like Supernatural, or writing, or cleaning, or pairing things down and organizing. But now even that is exhausting. I am /barely/ hanging on and it's like some people just peck at my fingertips to see me lose my grip. Like they want me to fall.

But I want you to know, this fight is easier because of you. It's easier because you fight with us, you fight for us, and you teach us /how/ to fight. Having someone like you in my life (even from a distance) is so empowering. I see your tweets, I see your advice, I see your sheer gratitude for what you have and the things around you and it's a wake-up call. It's a distraction. It's been one very good thing in a long history of bad. Now... I'm not going to say my life is constantly terrible. I have a good life. And I can look at it as a whole and see that with a logical part of my brain. But the rest of my brain? Is speckled with doubt and darkness. It's like Swiss cheese, full of holes I constantly get trapped in.

So, thank you. For being a ... chunk of cheddar, I guess. You changed my life. After Supernatural is over, I'll be fine. Because family doesn't end with season 15, and I know you'll still be there, fighting right alongside us.

AKF - Patty

October 23, 2019 (barely)

Dear Jared;
Today was pretty rough. Or, YESTERDAY, I guess. I needed help and when I asked my two best friends for it, I was disappointed. Not to say these two haven’t been there for me before, but it’s pretty rare I ask for anything. Today I really needed it, and though I had promises, they both let me down. But you know who did come through for me? My Supernatural and Twilight friends. So there’s a silver lining, right? I got a reply from Kim Rhodes on a tweet, that was pretty incredible. It’s just no matter how bleak and rough sometimes, when your own family lets you down, the SPN is there to pick you up. I was laying here, thinking about what will happen when the show is over. Will we be as tight? Will we still be there for each other? Will it stay strong? I think so. I was also thinking what it is about Supernatural that ties us all together so tight. It’s you guys. It’s you and Jensen, as Sam and Dean. The Winchester’s fight like hell, against all odds. That’s us. So many of us have battles we’re fighting, mostly unseen, and you know who taught us how to fight? The freaking Winchester’s. I’m probably not saying this very articulately, but I don’t think anyone fights like that. No one fights like we do for our own mental health, and no one has won more battles than we have. That’s Sam and Dean. Fighting until there’s nothing left, and fighting some more. I think you really hit the nail on the head with the Always Keep Fighting campaigns. Thank you for that. For giving us a banner to raise over our heads. For a mantra. Thanks for our family. Just thank you.
AKF SPNFam ❤️

Dear PadAcklesCollins

Dear Jared, Dear Jensen, Dear Misha;

This may be the first letter I’ve started “Dear Jared” that I wasn’t in a place I was afraid would end with my death. Maybe the second, I’ll have to check. But I wanted to share a little of my story, and thank you for the chances you’ve given me the last few years. I don’t want to say that Supernatural has “saved my life” or that without Supernatural I wouldn’t be here. Because I feel like if you live for something with an expiration date, eventually that motivation will wane and wither, and you’re putting pressure on people that already feel so much, it’s not fair to someone to pin your survival on them. I’m not saying that, however much truth those statements may hold.

I was dealing with a lot during one period of my life. It was late 2012, I had separated from and divorced my husband, moved out on my own (which I had never really and truly lived on my own until then) and I had a lot of trouble keeping up with bills, financials, I had just lost my step-dad a few months before and I was missing him desperately. I was on the verge of bankruptcy, I was worried about my job, and to be honest, I was essentially alone. Over the summer of that year, I was struggling to find something that could take my mind off everything else. I was drinking a lot, I was letting my weight literally balloon out of control and I was feeling the first effects of what I now know to be depression and anxiety. I started a show Netflix suggested to me that was already seven seasons in. That show was Supernatural. I laughed, I identified with two brothers that were desperately trying to find their dad who they idolized (though one of the boys really butted heads, he still wanted to find him). I knew the struggle of losing a parent, I knew how it felt to be alone, and instantly I felt like I had two friends, brothers even, where before I had felt completely isolated and alone. I made it through losing those boys countless times, I celebrated epic lines like “Saving people, hunting things, the family business” and “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition” (still the BEST opening line for any character EVER) and I started listening to classic rock, because it’s the best road music ever. I had a family where before I had no one. I have watched every season eight and forward as it aired, and for seven years my best friends have been the Winchesters (and Castiel, who, DAMMIT is a Winchester).

Somewhere in these last seven years, I’ve learned things about the men behind The Boys. I’ve learned Jared and I struggle with the same disease, although in different ways as no one person’s anxiety is the same as the next. I’ve learned Jensen and I have very similar taste in beer. I’ve learned things about politics and the world from Misha, and I’m a better and more well rounded person for it. I’ve learned kindness, and inclusion, and open mindedness, and acceptance, and compassion, and love for people who are different from me from you three. I’ve been able to fight the thoughts of suicide with Jared’s Always Keep Fighting campaigns and I’ve been made to feel a little more whole again from the Supernatural Family including the cast and the fans. There isn’t a city in the world you can’t find a Supernatural fan. There isn’t a cast member that speaks hatred. There isn’t a person you can meet from the cast or crew that doesn’t make you feel vital and important.

I hope someday I can meet you guys and say thank you face to face. I hope someday to collect some hugs and tell Jared that he’s saved me more times that I can count. For every Dear Jared letter there is, there are 10 more days that I didn’t want to get out of bed. The Winchesters may not be flesh and blood real, but the three of you help people fight their own personal demons every day, and you really do Save People.

I’m heartbroken to know the end has a date, solid and looming, but I’m happy to know your children can spend some solid time with their dads. I’m elated to know your wives can see their husbands and that the long work days are going to be over. I know that no matter what happens in the future, we will have 15 years of The Boys to go back through as many times as we want. But the Winchesters - and Castiel- will always have a place in my heart and that even though the show will end, the Family will not.

I cannot tell you enough how thankful I am for the last fourteen years, and the last seven that I’ve been able to look forward to new road trips with the boys. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness, compassion, and support even from a distance. You have helped me fight my depression and anxiety like a flesh and blood person in my life and I honestly don’t know where I would be without you.

Jared; I wouldn’t be able to fight my anxiety without you and your story. I fight because you ask us to, and I know you’re fighting alongside me. I would have lost this battle over and over if it weren’t for AKF, and you are a HERO.

Thank you, guys. Thank you for fifteen years. Thank you for the Winchesters. Thank you for the Supernatural Family.

-P.

Dear Padalecki - Two

Dear Jared;

I think I’ve found a new form of therapy. It’s cheaper than booze, anyway. 

I can’t figure out why I’m so unhappy. Good things happen, bad things happen, it doesn’t seem to matter, I’m just always hearing the negative things and who can fight through that to the positive again? It just seems never ending... like being held underwater. 

I just wanted to write it down, to say thank you for giving me a person to be accountable to. Sure I know you’ll never /actually/ read these, but it helps. Maybe in some universe somewhere I’d disappoint you if I just...disappeared. You do all this nice stuff for your fans. All these conventions, you leave your family and work on Supernatural, on top of AKF, I just don’t want to let you down. 

What if you heard, somehow, about my suicide, and thought “Damn could I have helped her?” I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to think there was something you could have done for me that you haven’t already. 

You’re awesome, and if I just keep taking one ragged breath after another, AKF works for me. Right? I’m trying. I really am. Thank you for being someone I can count on, when I really feel like sometimes you’re the only one. 

Still fighting,

Patty

Dear Padalecki

Dear Jared;

Today was a good day. But the problem with good days is that they have the power to turn sour. Very fast. 

I spent the day taking care of things I've needed to for a while. It feels good to cross things off a list. Especially when you've been down and it's exhausting to do anything. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I don't want to come home. Sometimes I just want to keep driving. 

Today was a good day. Until someone told me about a friend who doesn't seem to be a friend like I thought. Is t good to know this person has a second face? I guess. But it turns a good thing into a bad thing. And it's one more voice inside my head that's turned out right. "They probably don't even like you." Yep. She's right. 

I write to you because I don't really have anyone else I can tell. Who would I say this to that wouldn't think I was crazy? Who would I talk to that wouldn't argue with me? That wouldn't try to tell me I was wrong? How does that help me?

How can I feel /wrong/? I just need someone to listen. I just need someone I can break down with and fall apart with. I just want someone to understand how I feel and tell me it's ok to feel that way. 

Sometimes it hurts so bad that I think it will kill me. And that would be ok. At least it would be over. 

Stay strong. Always keep fighting. Sometimes I just do it not to disappoint you. Which sounds... crazy. 

-Patty

Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,

You thought you were going to take something from me that would make me weep. You thought that I would surrender and just cry about your presence in my life. You thought you were going to get the last laugh. You thought that my life as I knew it was over. You thought that i would abandon my plans, walk away from relationships, and turn my back on God.

You had one job!

I never wanted to be a mother naturally, so i have a step son!
I'm stronger than even I knew that I was, and you will never take my power away from me.
I grew closer to those I love, and God has more of my heart now then He ever did before you!
I suceeded.... I conquered... I survived!

Suck it!

Samantha

December 23, 2014

Dear Reader; I hope this book finds its way to hands that will turn its pages. This is as close as anyone will ever be to truly know that girl that lives in the shadows of me. People I work with say I’m positive. That I’m never in a bad mood. How wrong they are. Of all the people in my life, it is you that will know me best. That I am not the girl everyone sees. I’m negative, I’m hateful, I’m judgemental, frightened. I am sad. I am alone. I’m in love with a man that does not love me and that I will never have. My friend takes advantage of me. I spend more than I should and this addiction has lead to financial ruin. If I am honest with myself, I will never see the publication of this book. It will fizzle, smoulder and die, just like I will. Never seeing light, never being read. I will never be known. Every day the idea of a swift, peaceful way out becomes more tempting and I ask myself. Why stay? I’ve cried out for help, from Sam, from Bri, from Ben even. From Twitter. No one cares. Bri gets angry and tells me how stupid I am for considering it. Sam doesn’t take me seriously and I’m sure Ben couldn’t care less. At least I’ll finally be out of his life, something I’m sure he’s wanted for some time now. I wouldn’t be here for people to use, to walk around, to support and clean up after. No more bills, no more heartache, no more pain. So begs the question: What if this letter is my last? If after I set my pen down, the next thing in my hand is a knife? I would tell my mother that this wasn’t avoidable. There’s nothing more you could have done, there’s nothing you could have known or said. You are an amazing mom, you did so much for me and I couldn’t, wouldn’t ask you for more. You deserve a life free of worry and dependency. I am 31 years old, you should be done taking care of me! You deserve a better daughter. I would tell Sam that while she was there when I needed a place to stay, I feel like she might not actually be the friend she thinks she is. You’re too busy being what you think is a good friend and tallying up all the reasons you’re a “Good Christian” to actually be there for someone else emotionally. I needed you to build me up, couldn’t you see I was broken? But instead when I told you I was struggling, instead of listening you were building up counter maneuvers or one-upping me. Well? Maybe now I’ll have your attention. When I told you I wanted to look into the Navy you condemned me, saying I couldn’t handle it. When I asked about a second bachelors degree you said no one would hire someone with two separate degrees that it was a terrible idea. When I wanted to go after my masters you invited yourself along. Then you have the nerve to tell me I’m fickle! Why, of course I would be when my “best friend” shoots down every idea I have! So I will tell you this. Stop keeping score. Don’t break people down so far they can’t be built back up. Don’t tell someone you’ve had it worse. Tell me it will get better. Being a friend is more than letting someone move in. It’s listening and contributing positivity into their lives instead of constantly being right. I would tell Dan that if this was a downhill slope than he was the beginning. You took a girl with fire and spirit and you washed it out. I would tell my coworkers at Best Buy that I adore them. Dustin, thank you for making me laugh. I do so little these days. Maggie and MJ thank you for making me feel sane, that I contribute to something. Justin; thank you for raising me from perdition. Thank you for being one of the best bosses I have ever had. Thank you for checking on me, for supporting me, for praising me when I needed it so badly. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't, don't believe in myself. Thank you for taking a risk on a girl that got fired from her last job. AJ; thank you for being tough with me when I need it, and doing it in a way that is somehow still supportive and respectful. Lisa; I can't even with you! You're an amazing person. I have never met anyone as absolutely kind as you in my life. You are a joy every day. You have a fire and a wit that I appreciate so much. You're an angel on Earth. Julian, you are such a beautiful person. Always so positive and smiling with the energy of an ocean wave, reliable and refreshing. Thank you for being a beautiful guy when I really didn't think there were any left. I would tell certain parties at AT&T to go right to hell. You yanked the rug from under me when I had nothing else under my feet. Such a false sense of security and maliciousness. To purposefully put someone at risk to cover their own behind is not only cruel and despicable but dishonest, unethical and disgusting. If there is one group responsible for this it is you, seeing me on the ledge and giving me a push. You killed me. The knife may be in my hand but you are the blade that first drew blood. I would tell Bri she was the light in an otherwise endless night for a while. When I needed a friend you managed to be there from hundreds of miles away. I am so glad I managed to find you. And I would tell Ben… So many things I wish I could tell him that he would believe. Of all the people in my life, you were the one truly capable of reaching me. Only you. I gave you everything I had, when there was nothing left. You are the only one that can reach me in this pit. I am broken. I am beyond repair. I am empty. I am withering in my own body. You have such a light in you that you could reach me in the darkest places, and you did for a time. I was in such despair when you found me. I’ll never know your motivations but what you did for me in six weeks is more than almost anyone ever has in three decades. You gave me the most incredible happiness, so much so that it burst from me and infected those around me. I thought love like this might be dead. That it couldn’t exist outside the lines of stories and poems, that it might have died with all the great writers. But that you haven’t nurtured this feeling and it still exists with such a life of its own tells me it was real. On some level on your side and on every level on mine. As much as I want to believe someone when they say you must have been lying, I can’t believe it. “I love you, all of you, and some day I will show you.” You’re not a cruel person, you wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t meant it. And that is why I still love you. So if this is my last letter? Make copies of this book. Share it, mail it out. Send it to Ben, to Sam, to Bri. Put it on Facebook or tumblr. If anything, maybe it will show people how their actions truly affect someone. THINK before you act. Wouldn't it be tragic for someone to never know what they meant to you? Maye you could have made a difference but you were too wrapped up in yourself to notice they were struggling? This will not be my last letter. I hope this will be my last letter about wanting out. I hope this will be my last letter about pain, about my heart being broken. I hope this will be the last letter about feeling alone. -- An update -- August 9, 2015 -- You don't need to worry about me. I've battled feeling this way for 20 years and I'm still here. But I challenge you to take a look at your relationships and make sure you're living your life generously. Unselfishly. That you leave more behind than you take. I love you all. If you've made it to this letter, you've truly impacted my life. As I read it back over I notice there are so many more positives than negatives and for that I thank you, should you happen to stumble upon it. The world is such a dark place for someone like me. The people in my life, Mom, Samantha, Jody (this was written before I moved in), Corrie at AT&T who is the ONLY manager that defended me, Ben, Justin, AJ, Lisa, MJ, Maggie, Dustin, Bri... You have no idea the impact you've had on me. For those of you, should you manage to find this, that have the "kick her when she's down" attitude... Shame on you. What if I hadn't had these positive people to bring on an upswing? What if someone else comes across you and DOES write that last letter? How would you deal with knowing you contributed to someone ending their life? Are you prepared for that?