December 23, 2014

Dear Reader; I hope this book finds its way to hands that will turn its pages. This is as close as anyone will ever be to truly know that girl that lives in the shadows of me. People I work with say I’m positive. That I’m never in a bad mood. How wrong they are. Of all the people in my life, it is you that will know me best. That I am not the girl everyone sees. I’m negative, I’m hateful, I’m judgemental, frightened. I am sad. I am alone. I’m in love with a man that does not love me and that I will never have. My friend takes advantage of me. I spend more than I should and this addiction has lead to financial ruin. If I am honest with myself, I will never see the publication of this book. It will fizzle, smoulder and die, just like I will. Never seeing light, never being read. I will never be known. Every day the idea of a swift, peaceful way out becomes more tempting and I ask myself. Why stay? I’ve cried out for help, from Sam, from Bri, from Ben even. From Twitter. No one cares. Bri gets angry and tells me how stupid I am for considering it. Sam doesn’t take me seriously and I’m sure Ben couldn’t care less. At least I’ll finally be out of his life, something I’m sure he’s wanted for some time now. I wouldn’t be here for people to use, to walk around, to support and clean up after. No more bills, no more heartache, no more pain. So begs the question: What if this letter is my last? If after I set my pen down, the next thing in my hand is a knife? I would tell my mother that this wasn’t avoidable. There’s nothing more you could have done, there’s nothing you could have known or said. You are an amazing mom, you did so much for me and I couldn’t, wouldn’t ask you for more. You deserve a life free of worry and dependency. I am 31 years old, you should be done taking care of me! You deserve a better daughter. I would tell Sam that while she was there when I needed a place to stay, I feel like she might not actually be the friend she thinks she is. You’re too busy being what you think is a good friend and tallying up all the reasons you’re a “Good Christian” to actually be there for someone else emotionally. I needed you to build me up, couldn’t you see I was broken? But instead when I told you I was struggling, instead of listening you were building up counter maneuvers or one-upping me. Well? Maybe now I’ll have your attention. When I told you I wanted to look into the Navy you condemned me, saying I couldn’t handle it. When I asked about a second bachelors degree you said no one would hire someone with two separate degrees that it was a terrible idea. When I wanted to go after my masters you invited yourself along. Then you have the nerve to tell me I’m fickle! Why, of course I would be when my “best friend” shoots down every idea I have! So I will tell you this. Stop keeping score. Don’t break people down so far they can’t be built back up. Don’t tell someone you’ve had it worse. Tell me it will get better. Being a friend is more than letting someone move in. It’s listening and contributing positivity into their lives instead of constantly being right. I would tell Dan that if this was a downhill slope than he was the beginning. You took a girl with fire and spirit and you washed it out. I would tell my coworkers at Best Buy that I adore them. Dustin, thank you for making me laugh. I do so little these days. Maggie and MJ thank you for making me feel sane, that I contribute to something. Justin; thank you for raising me from perdition. Thank you for being one of the best bosses I have ever had. Thank you for checking on me, for supporting me, for praising me when I needed it so badly. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't, don't believe in myself. Thank you for taking a risk on a girl that got fired from her last job. AJ; thank you for being tough with me when I need it, and doing it in a way that is somehow still supportive and respectful. Lisa; I can't even with you! You're an amazing person. I have never met anyone as absolutely kind as you in my life. You are a joy every day. You have a fire and a wit that I appreciate so much. You're an angel on Earth. Julian, you are such a beautiful person. Always so positive and smiling with the energy of an ocean wave, reliable and refreshing. Thank you for being a beautiful guy when I really didn't think there were any left. I would tell certain parties at AT&T to go right to hell. You yanked the rug from under me when I had nothing else under my feet. Such a false sense of security and maliciousness. To purposefully put someone at risk to cover their own behind is not only cruel and despicable but dishonest, unethical and disgusting. If there is one group responsible for this it is you, seeing me on the ledge and giving me a push. You killed me. The knife may be in my hand but you are the blade that first drew blood. I would tell Bri she was the light in an otherwise endless night for a while. When I needed a friend you managed to be there from hundreds of miles away. I am so glad I managed to find you. And I would tell Ben… So many things I wish I could tell him that he would believe. Of all the people in my life, you were the one truly capable of reaching me. Only you. I gave you everything I had, when there was nothing left. You are the only one that can reach me in this pit. I am broken. I am beyond repair. I am empty. I am withering in my own body. You have such a light in you that you could reach me in the darkest places, and you did for a time. I was in such despair when you found me. I’ll never know your motivations but what you did for me in six weeks is more than almost anyone ever has in three decades. You gave me the most incredible happiness, so much so that it burst from me and infected those around me. I thought love like this might be dead. That it couldn’t exist outside the lines of stories and poems, that it might have died with all the great writers. But that you haven’t nurtured this feeling and it still exists with such a life of its own tells me it was real. On some level on your side and on every level on mine. As much as I want to believe someone when they say you must have been lying, I can’t believe it. “I love you, all of you, and some day I will show you.” You’re not a cruel person, you wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t meant it. And that is why I still love you. So if this is my last letter? Make copies of this book. Share it, mail it out. Send it to Ben, to Sam, to Bri. Put it on Facebook or tumblr. If anything, maybe it will show people how their actions truly affect someone. THINK before you act. Wouldn't it be tragic for someone to never know what they meant to you? Maye you could have made a difference but you were too wrapped up in yourself to notice they were struggling? This will not be my last letter. I hope this will be my last letter about wanting out. I hope this will be my last letter about pain, about my heart being broken. I hope this will be the last letter about feeling alone. -- An update -- August 9, 2015 -- You don't need to worry about me. I've battled feeling this way for 20 years and I'm still here. But I challenge you to take a look at your relationships and make sure you're living your life generously. Unselfishly. That you leave more behind than you take. I love you all. If you've made it to this letter, you've truly impacted my life. As I read it back over I notice there are so many more positives than negatives and for that I thank you, should you happen to stumble upon it. The world is such a dark place for someone like me. The people in my life, Mom, Samantha, Jody (this was written before I moved in), Corrie at AT&T who is the ONLY manager that defended me, Ben, Justin, AJ, Lisa, MJ, Maggie, Dustin, Bri... You have no idea the impact you've had on me. For those of you, should you manage to find this, that have the "kick her when she's down" attitude... Shame on you. What if I hadn't had these positive people to bring on an upswing? What if someone else comes across you and DOES write that last letter? How would you deal with knowing you contributed to someone ending their life? Are you prepared for that?