What time is it in Oz?

May 29, 2015 I want to think I’m getting better at this. This managing idea. I’m really good at making people believe I’m ok. Scary good, actually. So good I often convince myself I’m ok. But that’s when the panic attacks come back. That’s when I feel like some black hole has opened up in my chest and it will pull me through this pit little by little. It’s a crushing feeling. From the inside out. Is that even possible? And it’s these nights that I don’t take my antidepressants. Because there are 38 of them right now and that’s 1900 mg and it’s entirely possible I wouldn’t stop with just one. And then I would take the ibuprofen because that’s exactly what it says not to do on the bottle. But don’t worry, 1900 mg is not a lethal dose. I googled it. It is enough to trash my liver, however, but with the way I used to drink that damn things been through enough. If I’m honest with myself, this feeling is rooted into my soul with barbed hooks. I can’t rip it out. It’s there forever. So I look at the clock and I try to remember if it’s daylight savings time in Australia. 13 or 15 hours ahead? Is it 3:38PM or 5:38PM. It’s getting colder there now. My body is tired but my mind is wide awake, half a world away. Isn’t it obvious? I am a lost cause. I tried so hard to get over it, past it, burn the bridge. It’s just not possible. So I welcome the black hole. I scroll through four years of emails, the happy ones, and God were there so many. You made me the happiest girl…. Now it seems I’ve learned the price for such delirious happiness. It was worth it. You were worth it.