May 8, 2012

Dear Diary; Sometimes I look back and think: My God. I am a loon. How does he even stomach me? Lately I’ve gotten my favorite version of Ben. The kind, sweet, gentle and loving man who makes it all worth it. The distance, the worry, the waiting for Thursday night. He told me once, “I love you. Every part of you.” I just keep smiling. I wonder though. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I’m too big, I’m too fat. I’m not good enough for him. What if he hates me in person? I mean, LOOK at him. He’s perfection…. The list of things I love about this man doesn’t end. His eyes, his lips, his smile, his deep rich voice that I swear I could listen to him read the damn dictionary and I’d just say Yeah babe, let’s do B next! The way he makes me feel, like I’m the only person in the world that could possibly be this happy. How he’s thin but not lanky, somehow the perfect combination of toned and muscle but not obnoxious. That thick dark hair. His laugh. His voice when he says my name, unlike I’ve ever heard it before. How fiercely protective he can be. His jealousy, which is an odd trait to list as a positive, but to me it is. He wants me that much he gets so jealous…. “Reckon”. All of these things, I should feel lucky. But what could I possibly have to offer him? What if I can’t do what he wants? What if he thinks I’m so disgusting he doesn’t want me? What if the week goes by, my birthday passes and… Nothing happens? What if I blow this chance? What if I scare him off before he even gets here? What do I do if this…doesn’t work?